back to the heart...

"life....
you never really see the twists and turns from the starting line do you? it reminds me of this story:

there was a man who loved to run. he loved to run races that took him through rough terrain, wooded areas, rocky places, steep hills, loose dirt. these were difficult races. here's the catch though.

the man was blind.

that's right. he was blind and he had to have someone lead him through the race, start to finish. over the winding, steep, rocky, wooded areas. he was lead around danger, over stumbling stones, past fallen trees. he was in the race, but didn't know where it was going to take him and he couldn't see the twists and turns that were in store for him.


~this is like us. we are in a race that takes us all over the place. over rocky areas, wooded paths, even over smooth roads. but we can't always see what's next. we're blind people running a difficult race. we need a guide. luckily, we have Jesus Christ, the best guide there is. i know that he's holding my hand right now saying "watch our for that stone. heads up, we're going down a hill, there is some loose gravel." He loves me and won't let me stay down if i fall. i'm glad He's on my side."

this was from a post i made a little over a year ago, in 2004. wow. as i sat here looking over some past posts, from right before i was released from the Rams to just after the beginning of 2005, i realized that my faith was solid. i was praising God for so much during a time when i lost so much. i've gotten away from that and it breaks my heart. i've let MY world occupy HIS time. i've filled the time with books, tv, computer, chores, eating, anything except drinking in the Word. i'm starving and it's because i won't feed myself. i'm hungry and even though the food is right in front of me, i still don't eat.

it must stop.

i've gone through this past year and a half to learn that i have to let God be my provider. i've learned to trust Him for everything i need. now, i need to start trusting Him to be my Daddy... i need Him to cleanse me. to come and rip the sin out of me.

Father, i need to you come and CRUSH these demons that think that they can torment me, persuade me, confuse me. deliver me oh God, from myself, from my own laziness. lift me out of this pit Father, this spiritual pit that i feel that i'm in.

it's like i'm there and that's it. i hear the words come out of the preacher's mouth, but they don't take root. i want the words to take root. i'm scared for the future, for my ability to teach my son from the pages of the very words breathed by God that we so often take for granted.

Father use me where i am. i want to learn to be an effective witness for the Kingdom. i want to hide your Words in my heart.